I was forced to take some time away to deal with a multitude of medical and personal issues that I had to address. However, I had no intention to take this much time away from this blog.
That’s almost too much to think about but I used that time wisely, or so I hope. I don’t want to bore you with all of the crap that I’ve been through in that time. Mainly, because I’m still dealing with the end results of a lot of it.
What I do want to share is that Kendel had to figure out just what the hell Kendel wanted to do with his erotic writings. (My apologies to Ricky Henderson)
So, what have I been doing? Reading, writing, researching, and trying my best to kill that monster most writers have called “ego” that stops us from achieving what we really want. It either works with you or against you and mine was locked in the latter of those two.
The one thing I wanted to do, when I started looking towards writing erotica for more than just a hobby, was to make sure that I never allowed myself to let the market dictate what I should write about.
These musings are part of me. I’ve been writing erotica long before I started thinking about getting my worked published, but once those first few things moved from my computer into e-books, I did what I never wanted to do. I started to doubt myself and looked towards the market for answers.
The next thing I know, I had stopped writing all together.
Okay, that’s a lie. I didn’t stop writing. I just stopped blogging about what I was going to write about.
Because I was placing these expectations on myself without figuring out if this was something I really wanted to do. Did I want to take the time out to get better? Did I want to go through the pain staking tasks of forcing myself to become the best writer I could be? How much time can I afford to carve out to write erotica when the rest of my life feels as if it’s falling around me like a house of cards?
And most importantly, is this really worth it?
After months of reading as many stories as I could get my hands on, I discovered that the problem wasn’t so much with what I was writing as much as it was why I was writing these stories in the first place. When you reach rock bottom creatively, it’s amazing what you can learn if you take the time to see it through.
And what did I learn?
That I have ownership over my kinks and I have to embrace them.
I know that sounds simple in theory and it is. However, my extremely perverted and wonderful past was in direct conflict with my current “vanilla” existence and I tried to convince myself that I had to pick a road and stick to it.
Why is that?
My colorful sexual past is a part of who I am. It’s what made me the sex positive person I am today. If I want to write a transgender BDSM story, or a group sex story, or characters of any ethnicity with multitudes of sexual orientations displayed as they search for a connection, then I’m going to go ahead and write them!
Who says I have to pick a genre and stick with it?
The only responsibility that I have is to write the best stories I’m capable of writing. Of course, for the most part, that’s not what I was doing and I knew that.
Henceforth, the need for the long break to get my ass in check and back in the saddle again!
If readers want to judge me from the work I already have out there, I’m fine with that. I’ve spent a great deal of time reading the first works of some of my favorite erotic authors and I’m glad they continued to write. I hope others will say the same about me in the future as well.
So, for those of you that have stayed with me, thank you.
I have a wealth of stuff that I’ve written in my absence that needs to see the light of day that is hotter, kinkier, and more character driven then my earlier works. And they all still stick with the multicultural premise that I started with.
If a writer isn’t willing to force themselves to do everything in their power to become better, then they have to be responsible for what happens to their writing career. It might have taken me a while to get here but now I fully understand how responsible I am for all the mistakes I’ve made.
That doesn’t mean that I won’t make more. It only means that I’ve learned that taking ownership of those missteps is the only way you can grow.
And what is experience but learning from your mistakes in order to create a brighter future?