Writing Sex and the Significant Other

I find it interesting that most of the people I know who write erotica are in a constant struggle with their significant others.  More often than not, it stems from a lack of understanding of what we do and how we do it but more importantly, the focus of these struggles seems to be directed at why we do it in the first place.  From what I’ve experienced, as well as what some of my erotic writing friends have shared with me, is that the common school of thought rests with the concept that the fact that we write erotica is a direct link to what our significant others feel they are lacking when it comes to fulfilling out sexual desires.

There is a truth to those feelings on one level.  No one person can be everything to everybody but there is a safety in exploring these desires on the page and sharing them with the world that should cause no jeopardy for the emotional bonds that are created with those people you love.  It’s one of the reason some of us use pen names to create a sense of separation between our real and fantasy sex lives.  There is a freedom in expressing these desires through character construction, plot development, and sexual freedom that we wouldn’t, for the most part, be able to experience in our personal lives due to our dedication to our significant others.

That is how it all started for me.

Writing erotica was the tool I used to keep my sexual desires in check in college when I was in a committed relationship and transferred to a the college of my dreams in New York City.  It close enough to where we could see each other every few months but far enough away to where the seeds of doubt of my faithfulness could fester in her mind to the point of creating an unnecessary  rift that would lead to our destruction.

This was a point in my life were my sexual experience could best be describe as “vanilla” but this was NYC in the early 90’s.  It was a new world with a lot of temptation and instead of acting on it, I opened up my journal and wrote about it to keep those feeling at bay and it worked.  The fact that I was able to transfer every sexually depraved thought on paper allowed me to survive that first few months apart from her without crossing any emotional and physical lines that would have put out relationship in peril.  That was, until she came up to visit me and took it upon herself to go through my stuff while I was at class and read my journal.

The invasion of privacy was bad enough but I still felt that this relationship was worth fighting for but I soon discovered through her cursing and shouting that she had already made up her mind that I was cheating on her and was looking for proof to justify her feelings.  My explanation for what was written on those pages was met with more anger and distrust and within an eight hour time span I went from being in a committed relationship to being single.  Initially, the pain of what had happened ripped me to shreds to the point where I didn’t want to write anymore.  In a few weeks time I started to understand that I was free to act on these desires, rather than keeping them privately stowed away in the pages of my journal and now I can’t thank her enough for what she did.  It allowed me to enjoy every sexual appetite I had.  My sexual freedom exploded to a point to where a great deal of the experiences that I had back then are the basis of what I write about now and yet it all started from writing from a place of truth to keep my current relationship in a healthy state.

I started writing in other genres and formats from that point and it wasn’t until the past few years that I’ve gone back to writing erotica again and in that journey I’ve discovered that the reason I started writing erotica in the first place isn’t all that unique.  When you use words to express your sexual desires to creates a bond with those who also do the same.  Friendships develop, new desire develop from reading the work of others and sometimes they share the personal reasons from where those stories came from.  When you find someone who won’t judge you for your sexual impulses but will help you discover a better way to express them, it creates a comfortable space for you to be as honest as you allow yourself to be.

That’s where a lot of the conflict gets created from the significant other.  It’s a world that they are not a part of, a world they feel threatened by.  It’s a world that they don’t understand and for the most part they don’t want to.  The instances that I know of where a significant other has given the type of unconditional support needed in order to do what we do is rare.  What I mean by unconditional support is having someone who is there for you artistically, emotionally, and gives you the space that you need explore this world through your writing.  More often than not, what is seen as support is thinly veiled toleration than can be used against if problems develop in the relationship.  When they do, it’s easier to connect to those people who you have a developed a relationship with through your writing than it is with the person you’re committed to and live with.

I’ve been struggling with trying to create that balance for years and again, my issues are by no ways unique and now I find myself in a similar situation that I was in the early 90’s but this time, I have a lot more invested in this relationship and even though the finger is being point at me, I took a step back to look at what I’ve done to add to the emotional feelings of my significant other in this circumstance.

Maybe I can chalk this up to maturity to force myself to look at this current invasion of privacy and trying to find a positive side to it.  Over the past few years she has taken the brunt of the financial responsibility, outside of rent, due to my medical issues.  Even though she’s tolerated my need to write erotica, and fact that she has felt the pain of having someone go through her private thoughts without her permission, makes the knowledge that she’s been going through my phone and reading my e-mails on my computer behind my back hurts a lot more than she knows.  Then again, with this most recent invasion of privacy, I’m the one who left his computer open and created the opportunity for her to do this in the first place.

There are only two other writers that I share personal information with, both who have helped me tremendously through my writing struggles and I have no regrets with the information that I’ve shared with them.  However, I do understand that, even though she hasn’t been receptive to my kinky desires, the fact that I shared them with others rather than with her must bite.  For the most part, I’ve been open with her but when I started getting negative push back from things I wanted her to do to me, instead of fighting to be heard and understood, I went to someone else.

Now, I find myself in a position where I finally got my mind back in gear to start pumping out the stories I’ve been working on in my absence and the physical space that I work in has been stained by her perusal of my private conversations with people that I consider friends.  I could focus on her actions and make this situation worse than it already is or I can claim responsibly for my actions and find a solution that will put me back on track and allow for her not to feel that I’m doing things behind her back.

This blog is my solution.

If I’m open and honest here, even with things that we are going through, it will allow me to write without her feeling like I’m being clandestine in my actions.  When it comes to ideas and concepts that she is uncomfortable discussing with me when it comes to sex, having a public forum where I can get answers and she can see them, will create a place where we can discuss these issues from in informative space.  I, by no means, plan to use this to rant against her but if I use this blog to show more honest side of Kendel Davi, then there are no secrets.

There is also a chance that this might back fire.  Of my two friends who write erotica one is now single and the other is in transition to becoming single but right now, I have to reclaim my physical writing space back and the best way I can do that is by being outwadly open here and not giving her a reason to use my computer to intrude on my privacy again.


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