The Upside of Jealousy

Jealousy is toxic.

It tears at the foundation of trust and whether it’s real or imagined, it bites into the connective emotional tissue that holds a relationship together.

My girlfriend and I are in transition right now. That sounds like a death and it feels like one as well, but I do have to admit, jealousy felt like it was her raison d’etre.

That’s not to say that her jealousy is the main reason why, after 2 years of living together, she decided it was best if we lived apart. However, it didn’t help things either and to blame this on my writing erotica would be wrong as well because she was jealous of my female friendships way before I started down this wonderful path of writing about sex.

I’ve always felt more comfortable around women. For what I do outside of writing erotica, I work with mostly women. In college there wasn’t a plethora of men in the Dramatic Writing Department that I was in and some of the deepest, most supportive, and meaningful relationships I have are with women. A few of those people friendships I’ve had for over 20 years. So, to kill those relationships to make someone feel comfortable about the demons they’ve created in their head seemed petty, unreasonable, and down right stupid.

The worst part is, beside a few of my closest female friends that I’ve know over half my life and who live 3,000 miles away, I did trim most of them out of my life. Now, as I reflect upon that decision, I wish I had never done that but it’s one of the things that I did under this so called illusion of love.

However, the one thing I can give her credit for is that her ultra paranoid, Steve Harvey BS worshiping jealous mind did give me are some of the most outrageous pairings that I would never have thought of. From our lesbian mail person to the 90 year old woman who acts as the building manager. All of them, at some point in time, received a snarky comment from her about what my intentions might be from me just by saying “hello” to them. These are people I had no interest in outside of being friendly in day to day encounters but in her mind, even if she would later say she was joking, she thought we were fucking our brains out when she wasn’t around.

Trying to figure out why her mind would come to these conclusions would be impossible so instead, I tried to use them. Not all of them, of course.  Some of them, like the thing she had with the building manager was too far out there even for my mind but some of them were interesting enough for me to jot down her insane thoughts for future stories.

Now that we’re not living together anymore, I looked at that notebook and realized there are so many pairing she though of I could write about them for years.

Maybe she should’ve have been the one writing erotica because, with the stories she already created in her mind due to her jealous, she’d probably have a best seller on her hands.

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