If this blog were to die in the woods, would anyone notice?
That’s what has been stuck in my head over the past year. I mean, when I started this it had a purpose but recently it’s seemed more like a burden than anything else.
A lot of issues have forced these thoughts into my head. The past few year have been filled with personal tragedies, emotional upheavals, and stupid mistakes that I made that I thought at the time would make me feel better about being on this earth.
Yes, I lost friends and mentors due to illness. I lost jobs which forced my living situation to turn into a hell landscape. Being forced to move to a place where you have little to no privacy makes writing anything out of the ‘norm’ difficult beyond belief. I accidentally violated the trust of a good friend who had always been there for me in touch times due to a misunderstanding and I felt that I had to pull away.
When I first started out I was excited about writing erotica and the power it had to effect people. My work was getting noticed and my ego started to get in the way. Then that all came crashing down as this world of comfort that I had created for myself started to turn into black hole of dread. I’d write post and leave them on my computer. I’ve written several novellas that I didn’t even care to move past the second draft. I’ve outlined four novels from top to bottom, working out the emotional ins and outs of each chapter to the point where the outline itself could easily become the novel itself and yet the all sit digitally archived for me to do nothing with for over a year.
Is it because I lost faith in myself? Is it because the people outside of my Kendel Davi identity haven’t given me the same artistic support as I give them? Is it because the rejections started coming in and after years of spending a life writing other formats where I had my skin toughened to rejection, the ones I got from writing erotica effected me in a more harsh way?
Well, it’s all of that and none of it at the same time.
What I didn’t expect was that in opening myself up in this genre would force me to deal with what I was missing in my own life. The more I researched a topic and designed characters that would explore their kinks, the more mine started to bubble under my skin. I found myself caught between the reality of what I was discovering about myself and the dissatisfaction I was having with creating characters to explore this on paper.
That’s when the fear set in.
I knew the person I was when I started this blog wouldn’t stay the same but the last year has forced me to realize that the person I am now, at this moment is developing in ways he didn’t expect. My needs have changed and my willingness to share that in whatever form that needs to take had me paralyzed to share anything at all.
I never stopped writing but exposing that rawness on a blog seemed too much for me to take. I kept everything inside and soon all the pressure with no release came crashing down on me.
I’m not fully out of the woods with all of this but I’m starting to embrace why it happened and what I need to do in order to continue to grow.
There are several stages that come with personal growth on any level and if I could compare what I’m going through to any animal I’d have to say that this past year I’ve been a butterfly in the cocoon stage. That stage where the chemical changes are violent and painful but all wrapped up in a soft silk envelope that protects you from the outside elements while giving you enough room to grown. I’m not ready to take flight just yet but I can see the sunlight piercing through my protective covering.
So, back to the original question. If this blog were to die in the woods, would anyone notice?
I would and I think that’s the most important answer to this question.
Like all things, I need to change and this blog will change over the next few months but knowing that I still need this in order to become a better person it probably the most important lesson I’ve learned through the past year of emotional upheaval and tragedy.