Opening Up and Embracing the Fear

The past year, to say the least, was hell!

Well, that is probably the kindest word I use to express the journey of 2018.

Deaths in the family, break ups, and an all consuming depression that kept me away from doing the things I need to do. The job that I love doing is constantly in flux and the pay is even more fluctuating which has left me in a state of living in the constant hustle.

Looking for the next gig while you’re trying to complete the job you currently have drains you. It takes everything out of you until you feel like you have nothing left. Sleep becomes evasive. Moments of joy are instantly followed by a sense of dread.

When is the negative shoe gonna drop? I know it’s coming. I’m looking for it, waiting for it, knowing it’s just around the corner. It never comes when you feel you have the strength to deal with it. In fact, it always comes at the most inopportune times, and still you have to keep pushing forward, right? I mean, people constantly tell you that life is worth living. Don’t give up. You never know what’s around the corner all you have to do is fight through it.

Attempting to stay positive through all of this has been almost as draining as dealing with the problems right in front of my face. I’ve allowed myself to let things grow to a critical point and when it comes time to deal with all of these issues because you can’t wait any longer you end up feeling numb.

That’s how most of 2018 left me. A numb feeling of worthlessness that swallowed me whole and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I stayed in that darkness, avoiding any light that came into my life because it allowed me to clearly see the things I haven’t been doing.

You see, that’s all I allowed myself to see. In the midst of all of this craziness, I continued to write. I wrote furiously, all the time, anyplace I could. My phone, my laptop, notecards, notebooks… all of it scattered but it’s all there somewhere so when I choose to put all of this together I might find some joy in this dark journey.

I’ve been in this place before. It’s never been this dark but I’ve been here. It seems every 8 to 10 years I hit this void and question everything I’ve done and what I’m doing. I loose focus on the overall gaol and allow the details to consume everything. I can’t see beyond that and then, at the end of the year, you start to see how this forced sabbatical in the realm of darkness allowed me to create some of the best work I’ve done in years.

I’ve had three short stories and possibly a fourth accepted into anthologies this year. One that came out in earlier last year, one more coming out next month, and another coming out in April. These are all stories that saved me from those dark moments of the past year and with every contract I signed I started to see the light just a little bit more.

You can never see it when you’re trapped in it. Finding moments of joy during that time felt so painful but the one thing, going through the past year showed me is that sometimes you just have to create without focusing on and end goal.

All I could do was write. It’s the one thing I knew I had control over. I could write as little or as much as I needed to. The key was to just WRITE! I didn’t want to keep this discomfort in my body. I didn’t want to carry it around with me all day long and even if I had to sit in my car in the wee hours of the morning because, with me, depression and insomnia are joined at the hip.

I submitted to every submission that I could find. I would map out when the deadlines were and did my best to have those stories clean and ready to go at least two weeks before they were due. If I wasn’t solid on an idea that the deadline was coming up in a week, I’d skip it and move to the next one. My focus was to be as clear as possible with what I was writing. I worked on submission that were out of my comfort zone. Hell I started looking for submissions that I knew were so far away from how my mind work all with the intention of seeing a rejection letter in my inbox to prove that I didn’t know what I was doing.

That happened a lot but the flip side was almost every anthology I wanted my work to get into got accepted. I only picked five but of those there was only one where the work didn’t fit into what they were looking for.

In a round about way, this experience was just another version of diligent practice. I can even call it desperate diligent practice and I almost forgot how valuable how working on your craft with a different intent can be beneficial to your overall craft.

When I was a musician, I practiced all the time and when I got bored with scale, etudes, and sight reading, I find a genre of music that I couldn’t stand and do my best to master it. I would do my best to find something about it that I ‘liked’ and see if I could import that into the things that I loved. What that did was give me the ability to open up my skills. I can’t tell you how many times I was playing bass with a jazz combo and doing an improvised some modulated country riff would flow from my fingers that fit right in with the song I was playing.

It was never an intentional thing, I had just added something to my wheelhouse and allowed it to flow out of me when it needed to.

That’s exactly how it is with the writing journey. Even though it’s not happening in real time, in front of an audience, it still has value and I’m starting to slowly allow myself to embrace that.

It’s been over a year since I really posted anything on this blog. I’ve been writing my ass of I just haven’t been willing to shared this journey with any one because pealing off the layers of what I’ve been going through to a place where I’m raw seems like a solitary thing. It was something I needed to get through before I placed myself and what I’m going through to the world.

It’s still a little difficult to do but I’m going to try to let a little more of me out as I feel that I need to.

This isn’t a rebrand as much as it’s a real-brand, and feeling what I need to do in order to create the work I wanted to do when I started this all those years ago give me hope.

Tantalizing Tuesdays – You Know Why

Due to some unexpected issues, I had to take a few weeks off but I’m back now. I don’t know where this is going to go but it popped into my head and through my fingers so quickly I just had to share.

I think this might be the beginning of something depraved and kinky. Just like I like it. So here is my tease for the Tantalizing Tuesdays.


“Why do you want me to fuck you?”

Anna’s question baffled me. The who, what, when, and where had been discussed in carefully coded emails but why…

The frozen confusion that plastered my face alerted her that I hadn’t put much thought into why. She smirked, took a sip of her martini, reached under the table and took a hand full of my cock.

“A better way to say it might be why do you think you deserve to get fucked by me?”

The husky tone of her voice had me hard to the point of pain ever. She squeezed my cock while working my shaft through my pants forcing precum to seep through my khakis. In ear shot of my co-workers I delivered my answer in a hushed tone.

“I don’t know.”

That wasn’t what I meant to say but this public display of humiliation froze the words in my mind.

“You can do better than that, Justin. It’s been years since I left you nothing more than a whimpering, gaping hole for my pleasure. You love everything about it. Tonight you’re mine and I plan to thoroughly work your asshole to the point you’ll never forget again.”

Thanks again for stopping by and make sure you visit the writers sharing their teases with you in the link below:


Tantalizing Tuesdays – The Accidental Bull (WIP)

Well, it’s time for another Tantalizing Tuesday teaser.

This one comes from on of my novels that I’ve been working on for the past few years. This scene has been truncated to fit into that 200 word limit but I think it kind of gets the point across about why this moment is important in the life of my hero.

At least I hope it does.  Anyway here’s my teaser.

Accidental Bull_01

“Don’t worry. He’ll bend before he breaks.”

It’s not like I haven’t been in situations like this before but I did my best to avoid people I had a past with before this life. A slip of the tongue during casual conversations and my private life would be all over town. The rumors were already spreading about why I came back in the first place.

This was a temporary move. A return to familiar comforts to allow the healing process to begin. Soon I found my surroundings numbingly boring. One more conversation from small minded relatives about what Hollywood celebrities I knew, I might just eat a bullet. I needed some excitement. That’s when I came across her online profile.

Ana was talented visual artist with a taste for the macabre and kink. In high school they called her an oddball but she didn’t give a shit and due to the culture of the of the ‘urban’ deep south, we had to keep what we had a secret.

Now, my cock is lodged down her husband’s throat. For good measure she shoved his head down my shaft.

“Save some of that for me,” she whispered before giving me a kiss.

Thanks for stopping by and please visit some of the fellow writers sharing their work with you at the link below.

If This Blog Were to Die in the Woods…


If this blog were to die in the woods, would anyone notice?

That’s what has been stuck in my head over the past year. I mean, when I started this it had a purpose but recently it’s seemed more like a burden than anything else.

A lot of issues have forced these thoughts into my head. The past few year have been filled with personal tragedies, emotional upheavals, and stupid mistakes that I made that I thought at the time would make me feel better about being on this earth.

Yes, I lost friends and mentors due to illness. I lost jobs which forced my living situation to turn into a hell landscape. Being forced to move to a place where you have little to no privacy makes writing anything out of the ‘norm’ difficult beyond belief. I accidentally violated the trust of a good friend who had always been there for me in touch times due to a misunderstanding and I felt that I had to pull away.

When I first started out I was excited about writing erotica and the power it had to effect people. My work was getting noticed and my ego started to get in the way. Then that all came crashing down as this world of comfort that I had created for myself started to turn into black hole of dread. I’d write post and leave them on my computer. I’ve written several novellas that I didn’t even care to move past the second draft. I’ve outlined four novels from top to bottom, working out the emotional ins and outs of each chapter to the point where the outline itself could easily become the novel itself and yet the all sit digitally archived for me to do nothing with for over a year.


Is it because I lost faith in myself? Is it because the people outside of my Kendel Davi identity haven’t given me the same artistic support as I give them? Is it because the rejections started coming in and after years of spending a life writing other formats where I had my skin toughened to rejection, the ones I got from writing erotica effected me in a more harsh way?

Well, it’s all of that and none of it at the same time.

What I didn’t expect was that in opening myself up in this genre would force me to deal with what I was missing in my own life. The more I researched a topic and designed characters that would explore their kinks, the more mine started to bubble under my skin. I found myself caught between the reality of what I was discovering about myself and the dissatisfaction I was having with creating characters to explore this on paper.

That’s when the fear set in.

I knew the person I was when I started this blog wouldn’t stay the same but the last year has forced me to realize that the person I am now, at this moment is developing in ways he didn’t expect. My needs have changed and my willingness to share that in whatever form that needs to take had me paralyzed to share anything at all.

I never stopped writing but exposing that rawness on a blog seemed too much for me to take. I kept everything inside and soon all the pressure with no release came crashing down on me.

I’m not fully out of the woods with all of this but I’m starting to embrace why it happened and what I need to do in order to continue to grow.

There are several stages that come with personal growth on any level and if I could compare what I’m going through to any animal I’d have to say that this past year I’ve been a butterfly in the cocoon stage. That stage where the chemical changes are violent and painful but all wrapped up in a soft silk envelope that protects you from the outside elements while giving you enough room to grown. I’m not ready to take flight just yet but I can see the sunlight piercing through my protective covering.

So, back to the original question. If this blog were to die in the woods, would anyone notice?

I would and I think that’s the most important answer to this question.

Like all things, I need to change and this blog will change over the next few months but knowing that I still need this in order to become a better person it probably the most important lesson I’ve learned through the past year of emotional upheaval and tragedy.

Tantalizing Tuesdays – Flip The Switch

I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since I’ve done a Tantalizing Tuesdays but I’m glad to be back. I could explain my absence but I’ll leave that for another post. Right now, I have a fresh teaser to share with you.

Flip The Switch

Flip The Switch

It just slipped out. After getting us to this point I didn’t want to give her a reason to stop but that became more difficult with each clumsy word that trickled from her mouth.

Talking dirty wasn’t her forte. None of this was in her wheelhouse. The fact she was willing to try this at least once made me giddy on an uncontrollable level. She had done so good with the restraints I forgot she was a novice, and I relaxed into that subspace that I craved for so long. Then she spoke. Her words cascaded into each other in her attempt to put the harshest words in the right place. I couldn’t help but giggle and as the sound shot out of my mouth, the fear that she was stop consumed me.

“What are you laughing at, bitch?”

The force of the strike across my cheek let me know she had no intention of stopping. She was committed to taking this to the extreme and fulfilling her promise that I would have to beg her to stop.

It was in that moment that I feared that once she crossed this line would there be anyway to bring her back?

I hope you enjoyed this first tease of 2018 and make sure you check out the other writers sharing their work with you today at the following link:

Tantalizing Tuesday Jan. 9th 2018

The Big Book of Submission, Volume 2

As this year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the journey I’ve been on in the past 12 months. I’ve had the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. It’s been filled with deaths in the family and artistic successes that I didn’t expect. As I get older it seems that the balance makes each year flow becomes a harsh blend of ups and downs.

I’ve continued to write erotica but I haven’t posted too many times this year. It’ ‘s been a fight just to find a few moments to get away and write something that drives me. I’ve got a lot of work that in some sort of development from novellas, novels, short stories, and even random thoughts that I know I can develop into much larger projects.

However, I wanted to end this year with something to grow on a motivate me forward and I’m lucky and blessed to have my short story, Beautiful, as part of The Big Book of Submission, Volume 2 edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel.

The US release date for the print book is January 9th, through Amazon and the ebook is already available for you to read. I’ve gone through most of it and I can tell you that the stories are incredible. I’m extremely proud to have a story in the anthology along with some of my favorite authors.

For those of you that have stayed with my all this time, I just wanted to say thank you, and I wish you all the happiness and success you’ve ever wanted in 2018.


Here are the links to the The Big Book of Submission, Volume 2.

Other buy links:

For me, this was one of the best ways to end this year.

I’m Kinda Sorta Back… I Think

Sometimes, life comes at you hard.

It was never my intention to stop writing on this blog for this long. I mean, I knew things were getting crazy in my life and I needed to take some time to sort things out but I never expected to have this long of a hiatus. Each time I wrote a new entry of a new story, right as I was about to post it, LIFE WOULD HAPPEN.

Now, not all of this was bad. Actually, a lot of it was great but the amount of time it took to make sure these task were done with the skill that they needed left me with little to no free time.

That’s the blessing and curse of working in several different creative avenues. Getting swamped with one project while you’re trying to revamp another leaves you with two choices; cut some things out or stop sleeping. Well, I had to cut some things out, revamp, and find a way to get back to what I love to do, which is writing.

Right now, I’m not going to focus on the bad things. There’s no need to and now that I’m on the other side, I’m still not ready to process everything that happened. There was a lot of personal loss. Mentors, friends, family… it was one of those times where usually I could bury myself in my writing and allow the pain to flow through my fingers but work called and that… well, let’s just say was hit or miss. There was a major shift that took a lot of planning to get to the point where I could survive on a day-to-day basis. Once I tacked that, the workflow hit hard.

However, whenever you work in a creative environment with people who aren’t creative, when it comes to paying you for you work, the seem to feel that what you did for them wasn’t worth the price on your invoices. I still have some outstanding payments that I doubt I’ll ever be able to reclaim. The amount of time and energy I would expend to take these people to small claims court to force them to eventually pay me to began to drain me. So, I put it in the hands of the universe, allowed my focus to switch from the anger I felt from not getting jobs to procuring more work, and things just recently started to pan out for the better.

There were things that I needed in order to keep moving forward, a newer laptop that could handle the new workload of creative freelance jobs I was getting was a necessity. Of course when the universe grants you a blessing, it reminds you who is really in control.

When I was a few weeks away from having everything in place to get this new laptop, my desktop decided to die. Well, not die but it definitely when from working properly to being thrown into ICU. Random shut downs in the middle of rendering projects, the black screen of death was always a fear whenever I had the computer on for too long and yet, it gave me just enough time to complete my tasks in order to get to where I am right now.

That place being the ability to get back to this blog on a regular basis.

Well, maybe not regular just yet but I have no excuse to not drop a post at least once a week.

Now, that was the work I was doing for other people that was causing havoc in my life. However, in doing that, my need to create sexy stories started filtering into my other work by force and in an unexpected way, those people who projected themselves to be ‘sex positive’ proved me wrong time after time.

Of course I watered things down a bit for a more general audience, but the payoff was way beyond what I expected. Where I expected people to run away from my work, the embraced it and now I can see how to incorporate what I was doing here to what I do out there and the balance is what had taken me away much longer than what I expected.

So, I’m kinda, sorta back for the time being. I have a lot of stuff I wrote by hand that I have to type up in the next few days and get back to posting blog entries. My brain has been in an erotica overdrive and some of the ideas and concepts that have been shooting out of my head between 2-5am have come from a place of truth and exhaustion and I can’t wait until I have them typed up so I can share them with you.

For those of you that have stayed around thanks a lot. Reading you’re post have helped me get back and I think, I might stay around for a while longer this time.

Tantalizing Tuesdays -Molded Memories

Happy Tuesday!

I don’t know where this came from but I’ve been trying to allow my mind to go where it wants to a lot more than usual. So, here’s my teaser for this last Tuesday in May.

May 31(Tomerzo) (Bad Girl)

The sound of his name flooded my body with lust but knowing I’d see him again drowned me with worry. It wasn’t my intention to hide this from my husband but I thought I’d see Vincent again after that last fuck.

If I’d known he’d take this city by storm as an upcoming senator, I might have rethought my decision. The established trust fund baby who I could control or the struggling law student that left my pussy sweltering? I never let him know my decision. I didn’t want that pressure on my goodbye fuck. I told him I was moving back to Colorado after I graduated because I couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan.

Five years later I’m back here looking at an invitation to a fundraiser with Vincent’s name on it, paid for by my husband who says stupid shit like ‘he’s a credit to his race’.

He has no idea there isn’t an orifice of mine the budding political superstar hasn’t filled.

And I can’t guarantee that it won’t happen again.

I pulled out my trusted friend. I dildo I made from a mold of his cock, praying I can make it without too much temptation, tomorrow night.

Thanks for stopping by and make sure to visit the other writers sharing their teasers with you today at the link below.

Tantalizing Tuesdays – The Book of Knowledge

It’s Tuesday again and this time, I decided to stretch myself a bit.

I don’t write a lot of paranormal erotica. There are a few short stories that I’ve attempted in the past but for some reason, I never continued to write them beyond doing so at my pleasure.

However, once I saw this picture there was only one way to go with this teaser in my mind so I hope you enjoy my venture into this genre.

May 23
found on tumblr


His lips trembled as he fought off temptation. The visions of hellfire and eternal damnation etched into his brain from years of seminary study appeared weak against her naked flesh. The only image that dampened his lust flooded his mind from the book of Genesis.

“Are you gonna fuck me or what, Danny?”

The dripping sweat from his brow seared his cheek. He’d been warned about her. Those rumors seemed too good to be true but Danny tempted fate. He glared at his cock, shiny with her saliva, trying to convince himself that he hadn’t sinned yet.

“If you truly believe then you know you’ll be forgiven, right?”

“Are you questioning my faith?”

“No. I know you are. Boys do that. Men who believe don’t waver.”
She opened her legs and chuckled. The hollow sound stabbed Danny’s resolve. He lurched forward, his hand tight around her throat, and plowed his cock deep into the depths of her cunt.

That’s when he felt it.


The muscles of the serpent’s mouth constricted around his cock.

“Not even close, boy. You need to study more. Now, feed my pet. We need more weak souls like yours in order to win this battle.”

Thanks for stopping by and please visit some of the other writers sharing with you today at the link below.


Tantalizing Tuesdays – The Beginning

I’m not sure if this is the start of something bigger or just a tease but I’ve had this image in mind to use for a while so I finally got around to it.

So, you know the deal by now. One image, 200 words, and a few of my fellow writers sharing their teasers with you today.

So, have a wonderful Tuesday. Now, on to my teaser.

May 17
found on tumblr

I’d stuffed every orifice Jamison had at his request. His body trembled in anticipation but what he was about to witness had little to do with him. This was my true nature but telling him that might break his spirit. I wanted to break his body first.

Drool streamed around the ball gag. A bright crimson made even more dynamic against the chocolate skin of his face and each echo from my heels against the hard floor forced his mouth to stream.

I removed the blindfold with a flourish. He violently coughed at the site of my naked body and swallowed hard as his eyes locked on my bare pussy.

“I really love this outfit.”

I posed on the floor. My eyes calculated where to strike first. When I spotted his cock flinch against the stainless steel of the cock cage, I had my target. He noticed where my eyes where focused. His body tensed, and with a flick of my wrist I sent a flash of leather against his metal constraint.

He made a horrific sound. That gave me comfort and I knew he was willing to accept his fate when Jamison mumbled ‘Thank you’ around the ball gag.

Thanks for stopping by and make sure you visit the other writers sharing their work with you at the link below.